December 25th

Ya...hari ini 25 December 2011.....
Bukan tentang natal,...karena saya tidak merayakannya...
Setahun yg lalu terakhir kali posting di blog ini...

Apa saja yg sudah terjadi dalam setahun ini...
Nothing...or a lot of things...
I just delivered a new baby boy....
Should be happy about this....

But...why I feel kinda blue....
Sindrom setelah melahirkan....oh please...not again a baby blues....

A year ago....I feel failed..since my scholarship application were rejected
Then I'm thinking of giving up.....
Yes...give up...
So not me isn't it???

But then they give me a solution...the university give me a chance....
For one year to finish my study....
I was so happy...
I plan to do my best....to succes...to use this opportunity...

Then I get pregnant...
Honestly...I feel like I was making a mess...
I fell like I was unresponsible person....
I know..I supposed to not feeling this way....
But that's what I feel....

It takes monthly to forgive my self... because I need to taking care of my pregnancy

Then...the baby is delivered...
It is not I don't love my boy...
But I just feel....should I give up on my study....
It is feel so hard...heavy...tiring....

But I'm not unresponsible person....
If I failed because of an external factor that I cant control..that's OK
But...I just cant make my self being unresponsible person
But still...I'm just so affraid if I failed.....

I know worrying wont solve any problems
It just....I need a really lots of energy and spirit for being a mom and finished this

Ya Allah.....maafkan saya jika saya mungkin terlalu ambisius
Saya hanya ingin bertanggung jawab atas keputusan yg sudah saya pilih
Ya Allah Ikhlaskan saya untuk apapun hasilnya nanti...
Tapi saat ini...saya mohon kekuatan lebih Ya Allah...kesabaran lebih....untuk bisa menjalani keduanya...
Sampai December 2012....Amin...